Codependency
Counselling for Codependency | Psychologist | Therapy | WIMBLEDON | LONDON
The term codependency is used to describe a type of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship dynamic. A codependent relationship is characterised by an imbalanced of power, where one individual takes on themselves the responsibility to meet another person’s needs, which very often results in not acknowledging their own.
In a codependent relationship individuals usually assume either the role of the codependent ‘giver’ or the role of the codependent ‘taker’. These roles can be taken consciously or unconsciously. The taker is usually a needy, immature, troubled and/or somehow under-functioning individual, whereas the giver is usually a rescuer, empathic, extremely forgiving, altruistic and competent individual.
In a codependent relationship, the taker heavily relies on the giver to take care of them and their emotional needs. Therefore, the feelings of the taker in the relationship are always prioritised, whereas the giver continues to give, very often sacrificing completely their own needs and feelings. In fact, the giver generally shows love by constantly making sacrifices for the taker. However, these sacrifices do not seem to empower the taker but rather enable them to function -maintaining their underachieving kind of behaviour.
The identity of the giver become then contingent upon the taker and in the long term, the giver risk losing their sense of self as constantly preoccupied with satisfying someone else. This has a huge impact on their self-esteem and mental health.
It is perfectly normal to wanting to care and be there for our loved ones, however, for a codependent giver, the need to be helping and be there for others can be described as obsessive. A codependent person would continue to help the other person even if the other person may be extremely disrespectful and not even appreciate the effort of the giver.
Codependent givers require a significant amount of control and need people around them to behave in a certain way so that they can feel safe. Thus, the behaviours of taking care and pleasing someone, can be used to manipulate and control the people in their lives. On the other hand, they can also become very bossy and tell the partner what they should or should not do.
In other words, codependency is characterised by a manipulation or control of another person, and simultaneously letting the other person control and undermine them. This can be done consciously or not.
People who struggle with codependency issues are often characterised by low self-esteem, can be controlling in their relationships, they are often very compliant and usually avoid listing to their needs, feelings or desires.
Being in a codependent relationship often leads to develop mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, stress despair and others. It is important to reach out for help if you recognise any of the signs listed below or feel that you might struggle with this dynamic in your relationship.
Common patterns you may recognise if you are in a codependent relationship
Pay attention almost only exclusively to another person (e.g. family member, partner or friend)
Always prioritise other people’s feelings
Feeling trapped in your relationship
Finding difficult to recognise your own feelings, needs and wants
Finding difficult to retain a sense of identity
Tendency to deny or minimise how you feel
Being highly self- critical
Avoiding or finding difficult to make any decision
Often putting up with abusive or unfair behaviours from other people (e.g. partner, friends and family), having difficulties to maintain healthy boundaries.
Feeling ‘not good enough’ or that you are not doing enough
Experiencing high level of guilt and sense of responsibility
Finding difficult to accept any kind of compliment or kindness
Put up with abusive, toxic, unhealthy relationships
Taking unnecessary responsibility for other people’s behaviours (e.g. If they are angry it must be my fault, I need to do better; if I was more beautiful my partner wouldn’t look for someone else)
Why do we engage in a codependent relationship?
Our childhood experiences make us more or less vulnerable to the possibility of finding ourselves in this type of relationship. This unhealthy relationship dynamic in fact, is usually the result of problems and difficulties in childhood. For example, growing up not being allowed to freely express our feelings, having controlling parents, growing up ‘walking on egg shells’ around our parents, being neglected, being the witness of constant parental conflict, being victim of abuse and violation of boundaries, having parents who struggled with addiction or mental illness.
These experiences can create a deep sense of shame and seriously impact on the child’s sense of self and self-esteem, also continuing into adulthood, developing and evolving in different ways within relationships. A lack of self-esteem and the experience of shame, make it really difficult for the individual to feel worthy of respect and love. They might develop the believe that they need to earn love, giving rise to the unconscious fear of being rejected, abandoned or not wanted.
They may feel inferiors to others, believing that what they need, want, feel or think is less important than what other people want, feel, need or think. This creates an unconscious sense of shame. Individuals with these kinds of difficult childhood experiences very often become victim of abuse, as they feel guilty, responsible and to be blamed for what goes wrong, even when it’s not their fault. They are so terrified of losing the relationship that they end up pleasing the other person unconditionally, avoiding the expression of any negative feelings. Thus, sacrificing completely their sense of self and wellbeing.
Further, our personality traits and personal beliefs can also increase the possibility to find ourselves into a codependent relationship. This might be due to having internalised certain cultural or religious values, that may reinforce or emphasises the element of self-sacrifice for other people.
How therapy can help to break free from a codependent relationship
The first important step to break free and heal from this type of unhealthy relationship is starting to recognise these unhealthy patterns of relating.
Psychotherapy is extremely effective in helping you shift the focus from your partner to yourself, your needs and wants. Therapy can help you increase you sense of self and self-esteem, become more assertive and thus able to communicate your feelings and needs, as well as to set boundaries.
With time, therapy will help you to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and others, developing the ability to set and pursue your goals, experiencing -maybe for the first time- a new sense of love for yourself, as well as help you to recognise and experience your independence, autonomy, potential and inner power.
To know more about codependency or to book an appointment please contact me.
