Narcissism and narcissistic abuse
Counselling for Narcissism and narcissistic abuse | Therapy | WIMBLEDON | LONDON
Narcissism is defined as a personality characteristic. The narcissistic individual has a profound need for admiration from others, they need this in order to feel good about themselves. This deep-rooted need for admiration is usually originated from and compensate for unconscious insecurities developed as a result of painful and difficult childhood experiences.
Narcissists usually appear as charming, caring and confident. They usually seduce others (partners and other people in their lives) into providing and reinforcing the admiration and attention they need (so that they can perceive a sense of self-worth) through grand gestures, compliments and gifts which may even appear genuine and sweet.
They usually regard themselves as different or special, they possess a unique sense of grandiosity and entitlement and very often exaggerate about their achievements or abilities. They find very difficult to be aware or consider how they impact others, lacking the ability for self-reflection. This results in often blaming others for any interpersonal difficulties.
Narcissistic individuals are generally attracted to generous, kind, sweet and caring people, especially those with codependence traits. Individuals with narcissistic traits are usually highly exciting to be around, charismatic and very often successful so it is extremely easy to fall for their courting strategies and get wrapped up in the romance. Narcissistic abuse is very common.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist for an individual with codependent traits, can be extremely damaging for their mental and physical health. Many victims of narcissistic abuse end up suffering from panic, anxiety, depression, stress, burnout and trauma. This is the reason why this -often subtle- type of abuse is often missed. Individuals who seek help for stress, depression, anxiety and other similar mental health difficulties can be misdiagnosed as many mental health professional lack to recognise this unique type of abuse as the root and primary cause of their difficulties.
Common signs and patterns of being in a relationship with a narcissist
Frequent Drama. A narcissist seek conflict and needs to be needed. If you are in a relationship with a narcissistic you would probably go through frequent break ups and make ups very often quite dramatic.
Being in this kind of relationship often involves constant or frequent arguments, lying, cheating, dangerous and exhilarating activities such as fast driving and extreme sports and so on.
Feeling excited and drained in equal measure, a relationship characterised by constant ups and downs.
They never really take full responsibility for how they behave and they rarely -if ever- apologise. If they do apologise, it’s done with the aim of manipulating you and get what they want. There might be times when they may appear caring, emotionally available and forgiving, however it is usually never genuine.
They might force you to take responsibility for their feelings saying things like “If you were better at taking care of me, I wouldn’t have had to drink”
They are selfish. They manipulate and take advantage of others.
Why do we engage in this toxic kind of relationship?
Our childhood experiences make us more or less vulnerable to the possibility of finding ourselves in this type of relationship. Engaging in this kind of toxic relationship is usually the result of problems and difficulties in childhood. For example, growing up not being allowed to freely express our feelings, having controlling, demanding parents, growing up ‘walking on egg shells’ around our parents, being neglected, being the witness of constant parental conflict, being victim of abuse and violation of boundaries, having parents who struggled with addiction or mental illness.
These experiences can create a deep sense of shame and insecurity and seriously impact on the child’s sense of self and self-esteem, also continuing into adulthood, developing and evolving in different ways within relationships.
Dynamics of being in a relationship with a narcissist
As mentioned above, adverse childhood experiences can significantly impact on the individual’s self-esteem and confidence. They may grow up feeling extremely insecure about themselves and not feeling worthy of love, which may lead to the development of a deep unconscious fear of being rejected or abandoned.
In the attempt to cope with the unconscious fear of being rejected and abandoned, individuals may become extremely compliant, pleasing and helpful towards others, even when they are being treated unfairly or abused.
Consequently, the narcissist has the power and defines the dynamic of the relationship, while the partner does everything they need to in order to maintain the relationship and go along with what their narcissist partner wants. In some cases, they admire in their narcissistic partner the qualities they lack in themselves, for example perceived strength, their charm and charisma, and they often like the feeling of being taking care of.
Sometimes the ‘insecure’ partner becomes the nurturer and helper as being needed feels like love for individuals who struggle to perceive themselves as ‘good enough’ and worthy of love and admiration. More precisely, being needed increases their self-esteem and give them a false sense of reassurance that if they are needed they won’t ever being abandoned -without really considering the high-cost of that apparent reassurance. It is important to keep in mind that narcissists have deep-rooted shame and will project these dark feelings on the person that loves them.
The narcissist creates dynamics that maintain a vicious cycle that becomes really difficult for the insecure partner to break. Withholding love and attention is one of the most effective strategy that the narcissist uses -consciously or otherwise- to control their partner. The more the narcissist withhold love or gives affection inconsistently -on their own terms- the more their partner will try to win it, falling into their trap and continue providing the attention they so strongly need. The insecure partner will hide who they are and become anything the narcissist wants them to be, continuously trying to control what is not possible to control and sacrificing completely their own sense of sense, in the attempt to be accepted and please their partner.
Becoming something they are not for the sole purpose of pleasing their partner, results in never feeling ‘good enough’ which reinforce their internal shame and insecurities. This leads the insecure partner to absorb all the guilt, blame and shame that is projected onto them by the narcissist; feeling powerless and unable to satisfy their partner, feeling guilty for ‘what they did wrong’.
How therapy can help to break free and recover from narcissistic abuse
The first vital step towards the healing and recovering from this unique type of abuse if starting to recognise these relationship dynamics and patterns. It is important to stop being in denial, and stop focussing on changing our partner. It is central to remember that change begins within!
Psychotherapy is extremely effective in helping you shift the focus from your partner to yourself, your needs and wants. Therapy can help you increase your sense of self and self-esteem, become more assertive and thus able to communicate your feelings and needs, as well as to set boundaries.
A qualified mental health professional can help you to recover and heal from narcissistic abuse and to develop a healthier relationship with yourself and others. Engaging in therapy will help you to experience -maybe for the first time- a new sense of love for yourself and to recognise your independence, autonomy, potential and inner power.
To know more about Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse or to book an appointment please contact me.
